NEW YORK CITY
I'm the last person on the planet who could give you any real recs for New York City, I barely saw it. In fact, while we were there we saw a billboard
stating it would take 22.7 YEARS to eat at all of the restaurants in the city. That's my entire life as the length of new york dinners. So anyway, this blog post is going to be about something a little different.
It's gonna be about her.
Well. Kind of
I've always been a bit of an overachiever. By elementary school I had plans to be an astronaut, a pop star, an actress. All the typical "what do you want to be when you grow up" responses. And since then I've hoped to become known for my art, whether that be drawing, photography, or writing.
In the fifth grade, we were assigned creative papers with a different theme each week. My teacher's eyes would light up as he read his own version to inspire us for ours. I remember once, he had written an entire story about how his parents would force him to eat the bones when he finished his meal. He had all the kids not just concerned, but laughing, excited for a big reveal.It turns out where he grew up, "bones" is what they called pizza crust. Something none of us could fathom at ten years old. Everyone giggled and awed. I was amazed at how easily he held their attention with stories.
I waited my whole life to see the city. There are plenty of incredible opportunities I've had the privilege of experiencing in my life. I know how lucky I've been. But there are a few things I've dreamed about since I was young that I honestly couldn't imagine coming true.
One of them being me, walking through the streets of New York and drowning in the vastness.
In october, finally, I did just that with two of my best friends.
Was it perfect? Hardly.
Was it every bit as magical as I imagined. Yes.
I spend my life documenting, through photos, words or otherwise. If i lost my memory tomorrow, you could surely piece me back together after just a few hours with my hard drive.
So as I tell you a little bit about the craziest weekend of my life. To document it, if for no one else, a future Jen who has to feed the nostalgia in order to find sleep. Maybe it'll help me figure out how to celebrate the end of one dream in exchange for another.
I feel like lately I've been moving so fast I didn't notice when all of the sudden I was living the part of my life I spent so much of it working towards. So let me tell you about the Sunday afternoon I finally noticed. It was Vicky's birthday, we'd had the most amazing bagels in the Bronx, caught the train and walked the Brooklyn bridge from Manhattan. Got pizza with my cool actor cousin. Wandered along the famous DUMBO street from all the movies.
In an attempt to be on time for the first time ever this trip, we were riding the subway into the city and racing to Clean Market in Brookfield.
Like I said, as much as we were enjoying ourselves while walking several blocks to the mall, we were on a tight schedule. Yes the same tight schedule we had basically failed to follow all week, but today we had a dinner reservation with Vicky's college friends and we absolutely couldn't miss it.
I wanted to blow people away too, to tell stories that made people want to get up out of their seat and run towards something new, that place they'd always
wanted to go. That dream. That person. I wanted to inspire people to live.
So my dream became writing a book, and my dream place, New York City.
We walked into Clean Market, where we were met with the best service by the sweetest people.
We were there for Cryotherapy. Tara works at a Clean Market in Vegas and absolutely loves her job, Vicky worked there for the summer. They talk about it all the time, their boss is the cutest and most lovely human. And the place is an aesthetic dream. Basically I need to just apply already.
But, I knew we were rushing and if we didn't have time I was going to opt out and let them go without me since most Cryo places only have a small one person chamber. When they showed us the room where we could all go in at once it was an instant game changer. While we changed into our cute matching outfits and prepped for the coldest room we've ever stood in, I was already feeling it.
Alive. Lucky. Happy.
I could have cried. Anyone who really knows me can attest, I'm usually pretty close to tears anyway. Just show me a cute puppy or a sad super bowl commercial and it's over. But this was different. Overwhelming. And I couldn't quite place where it was coming from.
For two minutes we danced together to "Hips Don't Lie" in a tiny room blasting -200 degree nitrogen that froze our eyelashes and even our nose hairs. And when two minutes ended I hadn't even realized it.
As we hurried to get dressed for dinner and raced back out into the mall, the sun was setting. To our right, just outside of the store, we had the most incredible view through a giant window looking out onto the ocean.
We were standing still just like the time, staring. And then suddenly we were running again, uber at the crosswalk. But that moment. Even now. It just fills me with an indescribable sense of belonging. Not just for the city. Not just for the trip. For my whole life. Maybe for the first time.
This was the life I always bragged about having someday. At seven. Or twelve. Or even just last year. And I worked so hard to have it, but now I'm seeing it. Chasing sunset in new cities with my best friends. Flying out of town on a wednesday to do a job that I absolutely love. Spontaneously driving cross country road trips with the greatest love I've ever known. Planning for six months from now and also still five minutes. The freedom to love every day that I live. To be the person who holds me most
accountable, and also the person who for the first time, really gets to benefit from the work i'm putting in.
I'm starting to really believe myself when I say that it doesn't matter when certain people have a skewed perception of me, when people gossip, when friends leave. When all I have is me, and also, when I've never been more loved. When I have more support than I ever had. When less friends means real friends and working 24/7 feels like the biggest break from a 9 to 5.
I've spent so much time, wasted so much time, begging people to see me. and sometimes I still do. But I'm realizing, I care so much mostly because I want them to experience this with me. The growth. The drive. The indescribable feeling of simply being exactly where you want to be. I loved people so much i just wanted to be able to invite them to live these moments with me. But I'm starting to realize it's okay if they don't. And I have never been happier to enjoy these moments.
I'm 22 and I have never been more happy.
I'm 22 and I have never been more alive.
I'm 22 and I have never been more me.
I don't know everything, I barely know my plans for dinner. My schedule for next week. I have no idea who's going to hire me next month. I worry a lot about when I'm going to wake up from this. When I'll find out I was dreaming still.
Five times now I've seen a place that my eyes could not believe.
The Grand Canyon.
Le-Mont-Saint-Michel.
Horseshoe Bend.
Mt. Rainier
New York City from the sidewalk.
And I've seen four of them since graduation.
When I started writing this I was almost sad. Leaving New York was hard in a way I wasn't expecting.
How do you mourn the ending of a hope you've always had? Even if the ending was a good one.
The funny thing about dreams, I feel for most of us at least, is that we don't think much about what comes after them.
They say you just find new ones.
But I was racking my brain in the airport security line on the way to our return flight because I wasn't sure what new things I could be excited for the way I spent more than a decade of my life being excited about this.
The truth is though, every single day now I'm waking up to live a part of my life I can't wait to share.
And I'm sharing them.
Thank you for listening.
